HCT: Taking A Break Or Avoiding?

There are times while we travel the road of healing childhood trauma when we need a break.  Other times we are not resting, we are avoiding returning to the process of healing our PTSD or cPTSD.  On the surface, both actions can appear the same.  A deeper look can reveal exactly what we are doing and if we should consider resting longer or returning to the work of healing our past. This week’s blog is an exploration of how to know which we are doing.

Sometimes we do not know which we are doing because we’ve not really stopped and asked ourselves.  At other times, we really know that we are avoiding doing more work, but we are intentionally or subconsciously avoiding paying attention to that knowing.  Let’s take the rest of this blog to ask and answer a question that can help us clarify what we are doing and if we need to make new choices.

How is my life?

• My life is overwhelming and unenjoyable: This is a sure sign that it is time to do some work on improving your life. If you have a childhood history of events that are still upsetting or that you actively avoid, healing those childhood hurts can go a long way towards helping you make different choices in your current life.
• My life is crazy, but that’s not related to my past: While this may be true, it can also be a symptom of needing to do more healing work.
  • People who grow up in hectic, unpredictable, crazy homes can create lives that replicate that childhood experience because they don’t know how to create a different kind of life.
  • Some people with trauma histories do not feel safe or comfortable when their worlds are safe and calm. If as a child, they figured out that those quiet times were actually the prelude to something worse; they may avoid safe and calm in order to avoid the risk of something worse.

• My life is busy, but not crazy: Many people enjoy staying busy. Others stay busy to avoid having time to notice what they are avoiding.  To discover which you are doing it can be useful to create a few days that are far less busy or even rather chill and noticing how you respond to not being busy.
  • This is NOT OK: If you find the slow day lets you think about stuff you would rather not think about.  Or slowing down leads to your being hit by a wave of difficult emotions.  Or that you feel a frantic push from inside yourself to get busy – You may well be staying busy to avoid and you should decide if this is truly what you want to do.
  • This is NICE: If you find that less busy is actually really nice – Then you may want to consider how you might be able to let go of some of the stuff that keeps you busy.  Often this can be done on your own or with your significant other by prioritizing what you do and figuring out what, of the things you can let go of, is less important to you then having more of that less busy time.
  • This is NOT for me: If you find that you are able to be less busy but your simply bored or don’t find it particularly enjoyable – You are probably right that a busy life is simply your preference.

• Life now is less bad than it was: If you have done some healing work but life still isn’t really going great – You are probably mid-way through your healing journey.  It can be useful to think back to why you stopped your healing work.
  • Reasons beyond my control: Did you stop doing your healing work because of circumstances you couldn’t change? You (or your therapist) moved. Finances got too tight. Family emergency.  Insurance ran out.  Whatever the reason, is it still a barrier to returning to your healing journey?  If they are still in the way of working with a therapist on your healing journey, what other options are there available?
    • Going to a therapy group specific to what you are struggling with can be a cheaper option than individual therapy.
    • Self-help books can be helpful.
    • Many communities have low cost therapy options: Most therapists know of at least a few in their area (call up and ask for some help).
    • Universities or colleges that train therapists, counselors, psychologists, or social workers often have a clinic that is low cost or free to the community.
  • It wasn’t helping: Did you stop going to therapy because it stopped helping, never made an impact, or actually made things worse? It may be that you had the wrong therapist.  Every therapist is different.  Each one is a different person and their personality can impact (for the better or worse) your ability to work with them.  There are a multitude of ways that therapy can be done (theories).   If therapy wasn’t helping it could be that you need a different therapist.  A person can outgrow their therapist. A particular therapist may just not work for you.  The therapist’s way of working may not have been the right way for you.  Your needs may have changed.
  • Burnout: The healing journey can be an exhausting process at times.  You can become tired of doing the work and just want a break.  Taking a break to rest and regroup can be the right choice to make.  Are you ready to get some more work done?  Just be careful that a break doesn’t turn into an avoidance.  Once you feel ready to continue on your healing journey, jump back in.

• Life right now is good: If you feel that your life is going pretty much how you want it to be going, THAT IS AWESOME! Creating the life you want to be living is an accomplishment and a great place to be.  So, what about your trauma history?
  • I’m pretty much done: If you’ve done the hard work and your past really feels like it is in the past – GREAT!
  • There’s some stuff I could be working on: When life is going good we often feel the desire to ride this wonderful wave all the way to shore, and this is a perfectly valid choice. But these calm times, when life is good, can be a great time to get some work done on our past.
  • I can feel stuff pushing to get my attention: Sometimes when life is good our past can see that as the perfect time to ask for attention and resolution. You can choose to wait and enjoy this break of life being good or you can choose to dive back in and get more done.  Both are valid options.  If your past really wants to get worked on and you don’t respond to these requests, it will probably become more demanding and disruptive until you do choose to do the work.  Choosing to take a break can be a really good idea, just make sure you’re choosing it intentionally.

I know which I’m doing, now what?

Once you know if you’re taking a break or avoiding, you need to decide what you want to do next.  If you are on a break – choose to either continue to take a break or to return to your healing journey.  If you are avoiding – choose to either continue (intentionally and by choice) to avoid or to return to your healing journey.  The really important part of what you do next is actually just making sure you are making a conscious choice.  Not continuing your healing journey right now is a perfectly valid choice; particularly if you are making the choice consciously and not just letting the avoidance continue.  If this is what you choose, shift how you view what you are doing.  You are taking a break – breaks are intentional and having ending points.  Choosing to return to your healing journey is also a valid choice.

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