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Schawn Austin | Healing History Counseling

Inspiration Corner Early Feb 2018

February 16, 2018 by Schawn Austin Leave a Comment

When we have experiences that are overwhelming and traumatic we can push the feelings down, deep into our darkest corners. This can help us get through the nearly impossible.  But here's the problem:  We can't turn off the bad feelings without also turning off the good ones. It's like there is only one switch for feelings and we loose out on the joy, satisfaction, wonder, pleasure and all the rest of those wonderful good emotions when we turn off pain, hurt, shame, and all of those painful awful feelings.  Running around in life all numbed out may hurt a whole lot less, but it's also really bland. Without the joy and wonder of the positive feelings it can be hard to really love life.  Here's the good thing:  There are more than two options! Numb or hurting deeply are NOT the only two options! It is possible to heal the hurt, even really HUGE PAINFUL hurts and feel the full spectrum of emotions again!

The events we experience as a child have a profound impact on our expectations and interactions with the world.  If we grow up in a home where we: - Never knew what to expect. - Were always on eggshells trying to avoid upsetting a scary adult. - Were blamed for things that weren't our fault. - Where we were abused, neglected, or harmed. - Or where we experienced major or repeated events that left us feeling unsure, confused or otherwise deeply upset...  We can grow up into adults that are very unsure about ourselves, our place in the world, or how to even successfully navigate the every day.  These feelings of insecurity and unsureness that we absorbed in our childhoods can have a profound impact on our adult lives.  But, it does NOT have to be this way for ever! We can heal from the harm we experienced as children and learn stronger, more sure, and healthier ways to be in the world.No matter how long it has been since an event has occurred - if it is still causing you emotional pain and hurt, it can still be healed!  Sometimes it can seem that something happened too long ago, that it's just how things are. The hurt and pain has been there for so, long it will never go away.  And while it is true that it may never just "GO AWAY" on it's own. It is NOT true that there is nothing that can be done to make it better.

Although really deep personal work is important, it is also important to step back and enjoy playing with the less intense stuff.  When working hard to heal it can happen that healing becomes woven into every aspect of life. This can be too much. Step back, PLAY. Take a break and set the hard work aside for a while.  Not only will it be a relief, it will also help you do better deep personal work. So, Go play.

Fear and worry about how stuff can go wrong to the point of it getting in the way of your living your life can be rooted in past experiences that are still unresolved.  You can teach yourself to white knuckle your way through, and that may work but it sucks!  You can learn breathing techniques and grounding exercises that help you push through each time it comes up.  You can treat the symptoms or you can go after the root cause. I believe it is far better to find and fix the cause of the problem. Don't get me wrong: white knuckling through an emergency is an effective tool when it's needed. Using breathing techniques and grounding exercises are great for managing the symptoms while you are working to heal the root cause. But both of these ways of managing anxiety are just management tools - They are not meant to be long term solutions.

They're both forms of Post Traumatic Stress...  How are they different? ...Similar?  How does that impact the treatment? The biggest difference is in the event that causes the Post Traumatic Stress. Was it a one time event or did it keep happening for weeks, months or even years? During those events did the victim feel helpless?  For more on the similarities and differences between PTSD and cPTSD check out my blog post on this topic!

Strength is not just muscle mass! We can be strong in many ways: Strength of convictions, strength of character, a strong mind... the list is practically endless.  The strength I most admire is the one that drags us through the nearly impossible. That strength that helps us survive horrible events. The one that gets us through each day despite all the obstacles.  We can forget how much strength this requires some days because we may look around at how easy it looks for others and dismiss how hard we are working. Living life with unresolved trauma is hard. Just getting up some days is an accomplishment. Don't dismiss the strength just because its messy.We've all got our baggage! Yep, we do. For many people that baggage is small and manageable - a weekender bag that can easily be stowed in the overhead compartment. But for people with trauma, abuse and violence in their past the baggage can become an unmanageable collection of bursting at the seams bags that are constantly getting in the way and busting open at the worst times.  Just because someone has that pile of baggage doesn't mean they will always have to carry it all around. Baggage can be unpacked. Painful histories can be healed and the load we have to carry with us each day can become more manageable.

When someone is constantly trying to control every little detail and obsesses over seemingly trivial details they may find themselves called "OCD".  This is not OCD.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a type of anxiety disorder that includes thoughts, fears, or sensations that a person becomes fixated on (obsessions). They then develop rituals or patterns of behaviors (compulsions) that are an attempt to control, manage or relieve those obsessions. The compulsions are usually usually not actually connected to the obsession (always flipping a switch on the wall to turn off a light is not a compulsion but tapping the wall 3 times in a set pattern in order to prevent the switch from sparking a fire could be a compulsion).  Both the general need to be in control and get things just right and the clinical OCD can have roots in past traumatic experiences. People may try to control every aspect of their lives because they feel unsafe and out of control. These feelings of unsafe and out of control can be rooted in past experiences that are still impacting their lives. Although there is a hereditary aspect to the clinical OCD diagnosis there is also an environment aspect. People with traumatic events in their past have higher rates of OCD.

Growing up or living with a tyrant can create a deep fear of conflict or authority figures. people who grow up in homes where the adults became angry or dangerous when not obeyed or who were not receptive to disagreement can have a deeply rooted unwillingness to buck authority or express disagreement. Abuse victims who were threatened if they told about the abuse can also find it very difficult to challenge authority figures as adults. Healing those past traumatic experiences can be the first step in gaining the willingness to stand up to authority figures.

A humming bird flaps its wings more than 50 times per SECOND! That is a whole lot of effort to try to not move. People can also expend a great deal of effort to remain right where they are. Treading water will prevent drowning but it won't get you to shore. Not drowning is important, but just working to avoid drowning will never allow a person to rest.  if life is constantly a battle to just keep from drowning it may be time to learn to swim for shore.  A humming bird does not hover in order to not move. They hover in order to reach the sweet nectar that is their food. In the end we have to ask ourselves are we achieving the goals we want to reach? If not, maybe it's time to try something new.

With depression life feel too heavy!  Other people's joy feels beyond reach.  Depression is hard! Really f*@+ing hard.  Depression often has deep roots. Past upsetting, awful, and traumatic events that have not been resolved are often the seeds from which those deeply rooted depressions grow. Making ourselves get exercise, eat better, dragging ourselves out to "fun" activities (when all you want to do is pull the blankets over your head for the next 100 years) can only do so much. It is far better to pair that with deeper work. Work in the here and now to keep your head above water. Work in the past to dig out the cause. This can be a very effective way of resolving depression.

First let me clarify the difference between regret, guilt and shame.  Regret - is feeling bad about something about something that has happened. I regret that my grandmother passed away before I could visit her.  Guilt - Awareness that we have done something wrong, that is contrary to our own moral principles or is illegal. I feel guilt after I lie to my friend about not being available to help them move (because I am available and just don't want to). Guilt can be a good indicator that we need to change our behavior to be more in line with our morality.  Shame - is feeling that we are bad. Shame is destructive and harmful to our self worth and our ability to truly connect with others. Shame is the belief that I am a bad or awful person.  Regret and guilt can be healthy and helpful feelings. They can help us move towards becoming that better person we truly believe ourselves to be. Shame is not a healthy emotion and does not help us become better people. It holds us still in our pain and prevents us from learning and growing from past events.  Adults with childhood trauma often have deeply rooted feelings of shame. Often this shame is about their "causing" or "failing to prevent" what happened to them when they were children. Even though they were children, they hold themselves to blame for what other (usually older or adult) people did or let happen. Shame not only holds them back from healing. It also keeps them silent. It is very hard to share our shame with another person. But sharing our shame is vital to healing it.

Sometimes we do stuff that is obviously self-destructive and unhealthy... But still we do it!  Why do we do that and why can't we stop!  Here's the thing: Even unhealthy and self-destructive behaviors are attempts to take care of ourselves. WTF! These things that are causing me so much trouble are not helpful! You're right, they may well not be helping but they may be trying to protect you from something that feels like it would be worse.  When I am feeling really down or scared, I tend to misuse chocolate. The sugar, caffeine, and coca causes my body to release hormones that improve my mood. And the very act of eating tricks my body into thinking it is not in danger. When our body is in the danger response it shuts off the digestive function and eating can convince my body that it doesn't need to be in danger response mode...  Similarly, other unhealthy or self-destructive behaviors can be a part of ourselves trying to keep us safe. Often when we try to change the behavior without addressing the WHY our success can be limited or short lived.Even when where you are isn't great, it can be very hard to leave what is known in hopes of finding/creating better.  Sometimes I think that the hardest part of going to see a therapist is picking up that phone (or writing that email or text) for the first time to start the process.  Therapy might not work. It might make things worse. Where I end up might not be what I expect. These fears can swirl around in our heads blinding us to possibilities such as: Therapy may really help. It may make things a lot better. that unexpected new place I land may be really great.  Where I am may suck but I know what to expect. It is not comfortable, it is not fun, but at least I know it and that feels less scary than venturing out into unexplored territory.  I can't promise better. I don't promise perfect. But what if you aim for much better and land on less bad. Would less bad be worth it?  This weeks blog post is about finding the strength to take that leap into new possibilities.

Inspiration Corner January
Inspiration Corner (March 2018)

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